So today was sort of a big deal for me - I have finally announced to the world that I am gay. It was something that has been eating at me for a while now and I literally was becoming less happy of a person. I am sorry that I have hid this for so long, but this is my life and my choices and I did not want to come out until I was completely ready and emotionally strong enough to handle everything that was coming my way.
I have always known about my sexuality and have have had no problem accepting it, however I was scared that everyone else might not accept me.
If you think I would choose to be gay well, LOL, because I would never choose to suppress my feelings and get bullied and live in a world of fear. The best way I can possibly describe it is: When did you choose to be straight, like when did you sit down and pick whether you wanted to be straight or gay… Never right? Well I never chose to be gay either and I genuinely believe that I was born this way.
In middle school and even as early as elementary school people teased and bullied me about being more feminine than most guys. I got called faggot, queer, and was made fun of all the time so naturally I suppressed my feelings. Which is why in fifth grade, eighth grade, and my freshmen year in high school I got girlfriends to stop the bullying and “prove” to people that I wasn’t gay. In high school the bullying continued onto my freshmen year but it seemed to ease up and people weren’t as harsh. People would just occasionally ask me out of curiosity if I was gay, but by then i started to grow thicker skin.
By now I am so strong and words don’t even phase me.
To be honest, I never had intentions of coming out. I was planning on staying in the closet and finishing college and once I finished and saved up enough money, I was intending to move far far away - Like a different state and just lose contact with family and friends because I just didn’t want to come out.
However, that is when Lady GaGa came into my life and she started preaching about how “I was bOoo0orn this way YAaaaA” and I started to become okay with my sexuality and started to grow intentions of coming out. In February this year I went to her concert The Born This Way Ball and it was amazing. It was my liberation and for the first time I felt normal. Throughout the years she has taught me how to accept and love myself for who I am, and that it was okay to be gay.
After the concert I began to plan on how and when I was going to come out. The first person I had intentions of telling I was gay was my Grandpa because he is such an important person in my life and also I recall that when gay propositions were on the ballad for marriage equality; He was the only one out of my family who was for it and talked about how he didn’t give a rats ass about what gay’s do and they are just regular people - So my thoughts were simple, if I told my grandpa and he accepted me then it would be a domino effect and my whole family would accept me… But when my Grandpa started getting sick I knew my time was limited. Things worsened and he was placed in the hospital because of his cancer and I wanted to tell him so bad, but I just wanted to tell my grandpa and since he was in the hospital he was always surrounded by people and I could never have alone time with him. I never expected him to pass away and sort of assumed that he would just bounce back and I could tell him when he got better.
So when he passed away, I was out of state and my mom called to tell me the devastating news. I went into a room and cried my eyes out, and my best friend Terra came in and comforted me. Because I wanted to tell my Grandpa so damn bad, it felt like I had missed my opportunity so instead I just told my best friend that night.
Eventually I came out to all my close friends who are important to me throughout the year and have all been so supportive and treat me no different, next I told my family which was more difficult but things have already gotten better.
And that is basically it - I am just so tired of hiding who I really am and being scared I won’t be accepted because honestly I have been more afraid of losing out on opportunities in life. I am so exhausted of having to put on a front and not be myself. In Lady GaGa’s song Hair she says: “I just want to be free, I just want to be me and I want lots of friends who invite me to their parties, don’t want to change and I don’t want to be ashamed - I just want to be as free as my hair” and that is all I want is to be free.
Thank you all who have supported my decision and love me, you have no idea how hard all of this was but I am already feeling happier.